(Originally appeared in Mutant Renegade Zine #8, Spring 1998)
I’m not really comfortable with the theme of this issue of Mutant Renegade Zine. It was Grog’s idea, and dog-gone-it, I don’t think we should be focusing on something that’s really kind of lame. Who really cares about human rights? Most of us are right handed. I would rather talk about people in the minority, human lefts. Yeah, I’ll write about human lefts. What does Grog have against left-handed people in the first place to want to devote this issue of MRZ exclusively to right handed peoples?
For instance, just look at all the famous lefties that have contributed so much to our society. Alan Funt, Larry Bird, Prince Charles, Grog’s hero Tiny Tim, Killers Jack the ripper and The Boston Strangler.
Well, okay maybe we shouldn’t look at the famous lefties. They’re a bunch of lame-o’s anyway. Maybe we should start out by looking at the word ‘left’. I’ll bet that even though people in the US use derogatory phrases such as “I have two left feet,” most other countries probably view lefties with reverence. They even probably worship lefties, kind of like how the French worship Jerry Lewis.
For example in Spain they call left handed people ‘zurdo’ which means “the wrong way” and in Italy they say ‘mancini’ which means “dishonest.” In France they say ‘gauche’ which translates to “clumsy, awkward and inferior.” Then again what do these countries know, everyone can tell you that the true language of the world is Swahili and they call left-hander’s ‘kushoto’ which equals “weak.”
All right, maybe other countries don’t use flattering terms to describe lefties. Who cares? It doesn’t matter what you call them, or what the meaning is. What does matter is that lefties develop differently, superior as compared to righties. Did you know that stuttering and dyslexia occur more often in left handers. Ummmm…. I mean that left handed children who are forced to use their right hand experience be wetting and speech impediments. Wait…. What I meant to say it that left handers have a shorter life span.
Okay, forget it!!! I guess left handed people aren’t so great after all. Let’s just go ahead an devote a whole zine to right handers. It’s a stupid idea, but I guess that I’ll try to think of something to write…….
Well…. ummmmahhhh…. Grog just informed me that he wasn’t thinking about doing a whole issue of MRZ on right handed people when he said he wanted to focus on human rights. In fact, he meant something completely different. Boy do I feel ‘gauche.’
My sincere apologies to all the lefties out there. I am truly sorry. And many I seek eternal forgiveness from the most famous lefty of all, the lefty messiah, Telly Savalas.